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After the Thanksgiving holiday, multiple people in my network reached out to talk about experiencing an incident at a family dinner, a company party, or another social event where someone made microaggressive comments, “off-color” jokes, or outright bigoted statements. They shared they didn’t respond because they were frozen, unsure what to say, “did not want to make things awkward,” or “concerned about ruining the family dinner.”
Most wanted to feel prepared for next time, and some wanted validation because of their “unique circumstances” (spoiler alert, said circumstances were not unique).
For those hoping to receive understanding for their silence, our conversation started by grounding the discussion in two premises: “discomfort does not equate to being unsafe” and “co-creating towards becoming the anti-racist, just, and liberated world we want to live in is not passive work or a spectator sport.”
We can’t wait and hope that someone else says something… This work requires us to speak up.
We convey acquiescence when we don’t leverage our privilege to interrupt and intervene. We become complicit. And our complacency gives license to the perpetrator to spread these comments in other circles, thus multiplying the harm to racialized and marginalized communities.
As we move closer to the end of the year and attend more group and family functions, we will be presented with more opportunities to disrupt bigoted and bias-based behavior. How will YOU respond?
Disclaimer: This is where I invite you to “eat the fish and leave the bones.” Take what resonates for you and leave the rest. If you have tools and tips that work for you? That’s great, keep using them. You’re already an active, consistent interrupter? That’s great. This post is not meant to imply there is only one way to disrupt or ask someone to change strategies that already work for them.
However, if you’re not sure or would just like some tools (or even additional ones) to bring to the next gathering, consider the following:
Create a plan for interrupting biased behavior… and then practice until you have it down. This is particularly important for those who freeze in uncomfortable situations or dread confrontation. Interruption does not require a long soliloquy or monologue. For example:
Commit to being a co-interrupter with other trusted colleagues/friends/family… reach out to let them know what you’ve committed to doing and ask them to join in. This may help relieve some of the discomfort you might be feeling and also create an accountability partner at events. For example:
Ask for clarification about the bias-based comment/statement/joke, which can create an opportunity to share the gift of feedback… sometimes when people are asked to explain their comment(s), they realize the problem on their own. Other times, it creates an opportunity to share feedback. For example:
The goal for interrupting bigoted and bias-based behavior is not to get someone to admit they were wrong or suddenly see a new point of view (I mean, that would be great if they did). The goal is to establish boundaries and expectations in the co-creation towards becoming the anti-racist, just, and liberated society we want to live in. In contrast, collective silence slowly normalizes and desensitizes us to the bigotry directed at racialized and marginalized communities… because “they’re only words, right?” The danger is that over time we become like live frogs in a heating pot, feeling comfortable in that warm water and then shocked when it gradually comes to a boil, and we can’t jump out when the harm is done. We are stunned by the overt bigotry, virulent threats, violence, and hate crimes against racialized and marginalized communities, as if these events occurred in a vacuum. And to be clear, while we don’t have control over everything that happens in our communities, we do have control over how we use our voice in the spaces we’re in and what we respond to… and our voices make a difference. Who and what are your actions (or inactions) supporting? I invite you to use your voice… even if it shakes.
